How soon should you have sex?

You just met a new guy. He asks you out. Do you jump into bed with him on the first date? Second date? How long do you wait? If you wait at all!

The answer depends on what you want from this man. Are you looking for a husband? Or just a romp in the sack?

If you are looking for a husband, wait, you may say I just want a boyfriend first… I have to ask you what your ultimate goal is. Is it to have a boyfriend or to settle down and get married. You see marriage is a goal for the majority of women. It’s in our DNA. We have a need for security, to make sure that we are protected and taken care of and our children have a chance. This goes back to the caveman days. Which one is going to give me the best chance for survival? So don’t be ashamed to say “Yes, I am looking for a husband.”

So now, if you are looking for a husband you have to decide what you are looking for. What type of man are you willing to let into your life. They must live up to your expectations. You can let them know that you are not willing to jump into bed with them, you are looking for more in a relationship. If you are worried about scaring them off then you must realize that if that scares them off then you had no chance at a serious relationship to begin with. If he is interested he will stick around.

This is NOT playing hard to get. This is choosing a partner with thought and insight. Know what you are looking for in a husband. Will he be a good provider? Does he have goals? Does he have a plan for life? Is he good around children? Is he able to handle himself in a controlled fashion (not a hothead screaming lunatic)? Does he treat you with respect? (Do you respect yourself enough to make sure you are treated with respect?  Ouch!)

Women fall in love way too easily. “Oh, I just love him.”  But you just met him. “Yes, but he’s THE ONE!”  Stop! You cannot look at the situation objectively if you allow yourself to get too far in emotionally.  Which is another reason you cannot jump into bed on a whim.

You have to understand how men think. I know…many of you will say “men think” is an oxymoron. But it’s true, men think differently than we do.

I read a book that made a huge difference in how I look at relationships. It’s by Christian Carter and it’s called “Catch Him and Keep Him” If you follow the link you can sign up for some tips for dealing with men and relationships. The book is well worth the time and money if you are looking to have a great relationship instead of a string of one night stands!

Ladies, we have to do a much better job at picking out the right man. We seem to have given the power to choose to the man. That is not the way it is in nature. The male is always doing a dance or strutting to get the female interested and to pick him over the others. It’s only in humans that we think it’s the man that does the choosing. What can I do to get him to like me?

No….is he worthy of me?  Which will take us to another blog on becoming what you are looking for. That’s is for now. Choose wisely Ladies!

Do you have an obstructed view?

A guest blogger today…Stefanie.  She is taking control of her life!  Stopped the wedding because things were “not right”.  Are you going into a marriage that doesn’t feel right?

Should you change seats?

Obstructed View: A Metaphor

Are you the type to accept obstructed view seats?
If you went to a movie and found what you thought to be a great seat, but then a very tall person with very big hat sat in front of you…  would you just let that happen? Would you stay in your comfortable seat trying to peak around that big hat for the whole show? What a waste! It may be uncomfortable for just a second, but ask that person (politely) to remove their hat. You can keep your comfy seat and maybe that person will think twice about wearing a giant hat to the theater in the future.
Or you could take a chance and change seats. Yes, it will be cold at first, and yes, there may be gum on the floor, and no, the new seat won’t have your butt print and yes, it requires a modicum of effort on your part…. but I’ve seen the previews to this film, it’s amazing (I just changed seats myself)! You won’t want to miss it.

If you are unhappy with your life—your ‘seat’—then change it! You are the only person who has the power to do it. Don’t accept an obstructed view. We were all meant to enjoy the show to its fullest.

Well said Stef! You won’t regret changing seats. You have a grand life ahead!

Don’tdatehimgirl.com

I found a site called Dontdatehimgirl.com where you can warn other women about cheating, loser men. Thought you might want to take a look at it.

I know there have been time I have wanted to warn other women about a man. In fact, when my first husband was going to get married for the third time I actually called someone that went to her church and had them go to the pastor and try to intervene.

The pastor said “Oh, he’s changed now.” Yeah right! So now he is ruining the life of another woman. Just like his second wife. I have known this guy since 7th grade! And you think after 40 years he is suddenly going to change? No. He loved drugs and cheating more than anything and continues his old ways. But now has someone to take care of him and pay the bills so that he can play.I hated to see this happen to another woman. He took wife #2 and her family for over $150,000. Her parents had to go back to work because they spent so much money trying to bail out their daughter and her loser husband.

Ladies, if someone makes the effort to try to warn you… think about it, don’t blow it off. Why are they trying to warn you? Could he possibly be that much of a jerk? Don’t let love make a fool of you. Look at the warning signs. Look for the red flags before it’s too late.

One thing my ex did was keep these new women away from anyone that could tell her about him. He isolated each of them from family and friends. Never introduced them to anyone. Went to great pains to hide his actual behavior until it was too late and they were married.

Don’t let love blind you…watch for warning signs…if you have doubts, don’t blow them off.

Have you ever seen a warning sign about a man and ignored it, just to have disaster strike later. Tell us about it.

Three timing man

This is what I am talking about…Love making fools of women.

I found this on lemondrop. See the post and picts here.

Beware a scorned woman. Or in this case, three scorned women.

So goes this classic tale: Married dude courts three ladies. Ladies find out. Ladies lure dude into hotel room with promise of massage. Once inside, ladies glue dude’s private parts with Krazy Glue. (Inspired by that old Sean Young-James Woods urban legend, perhaps?)

Krazy indeed! The three women, who intricately planned the hotel beatdown, also physically attacked the three-timer and demanded to know which woman he loved most. They finally relented and took off after the guy started screaming for help — but only after taking off with his cell phone, wallet and car. Whoa.

To end this story on a somewhat-cheerful note (depending on your sympathies), the dude and his penis suffered minor injuries, but are recovering steadily.

Ok… the key sentence here…

demanded to know which woman he loved most.

What the HELL? Are you all stupid? Why would you even be concerned about which one of you he loved the most!? First of all he’s married! He is dating 3 women…that you know about… and you are concerned about who he loves the most?

I just cannot believe it! This is why I say “Love Makes Fools Of Women”. What kind of fool would even want this man?  How desperate are you that you would want anything to do with this man?

Two years and the honeymoon is over.

I put a lot of effort into my relationship with my husband. We have a good loving relationship. I make him feel special. I make him feel like I really care about him, which I do.

I stop what I’m doing when he calls me from upstairs and I go see what he wants. Why? Because I want him to know I love him.  I turn his computer on in the morning so that when he sits down it’s ready to go to work. A small thing but it’s appreciated. I look for small things I can do for him to make him feel loved and appreciated. He buys me flowers for no reason. He will make a special dish for dinner because he knows I like it. I appreciate it. When I go up to his office for something I stop and give him a kiss.

It takes work to have a good relationship. It doesn’t just happen. Left on it’s own the relationship will deteriorate into “why did I marry him?” or worse yes “I can’t stand him”. You see, statistics show that within 24 months the “I’m so in love” stage wears off. It happens to everyone. Know that it will happen and that it’s normal. You have to move on to the next phase of your relationship, which is really a more comfortable life. But, too many people think they have fallen out of love. It’s not true. That’s where you get “I love you but I’m not IN LOVE with you”.

It’s just that the head-over-heels love has disappeared. Now a real love can settle in. Mort Fertel, who is an expert on fixing broken marriages says “The key to succeeding in marriage is not finding the right person; it’s learning to love the person you found.”

If you are looking to always have the bells and whistles, stars and fireworks kind of love you are going to have to change partners every two years. Because that adrenalin rush kind of love WILL wear off within two years. Then you have to work at it, like I do, every day.

What can you do to improve your relationship today?

Mistress. Why would you want to be one?

I hope someone can help me out here.

Why would you be a mistress? I know in Italy it is a common practice. A man has a wife and a mistress. I told my husband “You live in America, not Italy, so don’t even think about it!”

I know some women see this as a perfect relationship. They get all the perks. He is always happy when he’s with her. They don’t have the day to day living getting in the way of the fun. (Which is why you need to maintain a great relationship so that he doesn’t look somewhere else! Another topic for another day.)

But, I knew a woman that dated a married man for almost 20 years! He was always going to leave his wife. Next year. As soon as the last child graduates. As soon as his wife is stable.  My friend finally dumped him… but 20 years of possibilities had passed her by.

I have a clue for you. The majority of men will never leave their wives. They are just looking for someone to stroke the ego. “Oh you are so wonderful!” “You’re so funny!” AND if they do leave their wife for you won’t you always be thinking that he would do the same to you? Will you ever trust him?

One thing that drives me absolutely crazy is when women go after a married man. I think it’s deplorable. You may say “Well, if a man really loved his wife he wouldn’t stray.” Think again. I have seen many men that I would have sworn wouldn’t cheat and someone payed a lot of attention to them, making them feel special.  And… they cheated. Ask them why the did it and they say “I couldn’t help it…it just happened.” Devastating the marriage for a long time if not forever.   Ladies don’t go after another woman’s man!

I had this happen to me. This woman blatantly flirted with my husband because her marriage was on the rocks and she saw him as a good match! Of course, my husband was oblivious to it. He said “No, she’s just being friendly.”  Wrong!  He finally saw it and agreed with me. But would she have worn him down given the chance? Many men fall victim and regret it later.

I firmly believe that you shouldn’t have friends of the opposite sex that exclude your spouse. I have male friends but when I see them I take my husband along. He knows them. They are his friends too. If you cannot tell your spouse about this person and have them be friends with them then your friendship with that person is an inappropriate relationship.

Ladies, you need to guard your relationship with your spouse. Not a jealous rage. Just an understanding. They need to understand that being around another woman without you is not acceptable. Look how many men cheat with their co-workers. Your man needs to know that if he cheats..he’s gone…period. No jealousy. No rage.  I made this clear to my husband when we first met. Cheat once…you’re gone. He needs to know what you will and will not put up with. Guard your relationship.

My daughter has a friend from way back. High school. One day she wanted to ask my daughters husband about something and called him directly. All hell broke loose after that. She called her girlfriend and told her that she is ALWAYS to go through her to speak to him.  I don’t blame her. I have seen it happen way too many time. The man leaves the woman for the woman’s best friend!

Well..I went way off topic here. Question, have you ever had an affair with a married man and what advice would you give to women?

Until next time…

Boni

Bridezilla or just a plain old bitch?

There is a phenomenon going on that is very evident in the television show Bridezillas. It’s “I have a right to be a bitch.” It’s almost like a badge that some women wear proudly. Watch out because I’m a bitch!

I was up late last night because I couldn’t sleep. I ran across Bridezilla and watched as these women made life miserable for everyone. I understand that it is played up for the show but I see it happening in real life much too often.

There was this lady that I worked with in a place that had a lot of men. We were all around the same age. She was a smart dresser and looked good. I was in a uniform, (a manly uniform at that) and because of my job had to handle a lot of boxes and got quite dirty by the end of the day, so I wasn’t at my best. She was thinner and more “attractive”. It drove her absolutely crazy when men would ask me out and no one asked her out. You know what the big difference was? She was a raving bitch and I am not. Once men got a taste of the Queen B, as we called her, they were gone.

Yes, you have the right to be a bitch. But then don’t complain when you cannot keep friends, let alone a boyfriend. Why would a man want to be with a bitch when he can be with someone that is happy and has a positive outlook. Take a look at yourself… honestly.

I am now married to a good looking, wonderful, loving, caring man. I know that he would have never looked at me twice if I had been a bitch. Queen B is still alone. She still doesn’t get it. I am not saying you should change to get a man but being a bitch has a negative impact on many areas of your life, not just your love life. Why be so miserable? It’s a choice you know.

until next time…

Boni

Time to pay the bills. I do make a small amount of money off of these products but I believe in the products and what they can do for you. Catch Him and Keep Him is an ebook by Christian Carter that explains how men think. What an eye opener and well worth the money. There is also a lot of free info that is very helpful.

If you are already married and need some help then you need Mort Fertel. He has a beautiful program to help you have a good marriage or fix a broken marriage. Even if there is only one of you trying to fix it.  He also has free information that can help.

Does my husband think I’m his maid?

I have a question here from Carrie in Michigan.

When your husband (significant other) leaves his stuff out all around the house for days on end, does he really expect you to be the maid, or does he expect it to still be there for all eternity?  Or God forbid, does he actually not notice it or think about it?

Well Carrie, this is a problem that has plagued the women through the ages.  I think the first question posed by a wife was “Ugh, that where you found that? Take outside cave.” (this was a very long time ago)

The first thing I want to ask you is… What did his place look like before you married him?  Was it a slovenly hovel?  Were there three couches in the living room and maybe one on the porch?  Was his laundry in a pile in his bedroom?  Did he pulled something out, smell it and say “Yeah I can wear this again”.

You see…what you’re looking at before marriage is what you’re going to have, only more so, after marriage.  He will probably make more of an effort to keep things clean before marriage than after.  One thing that you have to understand is that most people don’t change.  That’s why we never marry a man for his potential.  You have to look at them before you marry them and say can I live with this?

My husband is above average when it comes to his actions around the house. He was trained well by his mother. I think that is part of the problem. Mom’s don’t train their sons how to be a good man. Gino, my husband, was taught how to cook, sew, clean, and how to treat a woman with respect. He was also born in Italy which I think also makes a difference.  Women are held in higher esteem.

He opens the car door for me opens the door when we enter a building, pulls my chair out for me. I think that in trying to be “equal” with men we have destroyed this superior treatment of women. I know that I never wanted to be “equal”… I never wanted to give up my superior position!  Before you send me an email read the last sentence again. We needed certain equalities, work, pay, rights, etc., but I enjoy being treated well by my husband.  In return I treat him well also.  Ooop…I have gone way off track here.

So my husband is good about doing things around the house. He shares a good portion of the work. Granted we both work from home. But as I am writing this he is making brunch. A frittata, fruit, toast, the whole enchilada.

Now, this man is about as perfect as you are going to get. BUT, the other day he ate a handful of black cherries. He threw the pits and stems in the sink. We don’t have a garbage disposal. Now, I looked at the pits and did I think “What? Does he expect me to be his maid?”  No… I am sure he didn’t even think about it when he did it. Oblivious. So if an almost perfect man does things like that what hope is there for the not so perfect?

Now, I could have turned it into a bitch session, “why do you leave the pits in the sink when the trash can is UNDER the sink!” I have found that it is better to pick your battles. Don’t let things come between you… yes we may end up doing more of the work and we are going to get into this more at a later date.

Oh, my gosh…he is breaking eggs right now and throwing them into the sink!  Wait, he has now taken them and thrown them into the trash…under the sink!  A wasted step in my opinion. But that is the way he wants to do it.

What I am looking at is the great thing he is doing by cooking while I work. I will thank him for making a beautiful breakfast and how much I appreciate it.

Men live to be appreciated! This is a very important concept to understand.

As women we tend to hang onto things, we stay mad, we expect that “he should know what is wrong”  “he should know that…” Ladies, they just are not deep thinkers. They see it as…”it’s just some socks on the floor” or “it’s just some pits in the sink, what’s the big deal?”  Their standards are usually not up to ours and never will be.  Not all men, but a large majority. Even my “perfect” husband leaves his socks on the floor, which I pick up and throw in the laundry.

Train your own sons to cook and clean so the next generation has a chance. In the mean time pick your battles. Look for the good things he does, thank him for it and he will do more. I guarantee it.  Bitching at them will change nothing.  Thanking them will get better results.

You may say “Why do we have to work it this way? Why can’t he just do it because he knows it needs to be done?” Sorry Ladies, that is just the way it is. Work with it and be happy or fight it and become “The Bitch In The House”. Which by the way is a great book, you should read it. It’s full of stories by women that wondered how they came to be the bitch in the house.  Because they were overworked, stressed and their husbands left their socks on the floor!

Pick your battles.  Overlook what you can. Let the little things go. Positive reinforcement. Remember why you married him.

Until next time…

Boni

Time to pay the bills. I do make a small amount of money off of these products but I believe in the products and what they can do for you. Catch Him and Keep Him is an ebook by Christian Carter that explains how men think. What an eye opener and well worth the money. There is also a lot of free info that is very helpful.

If you are already married and need some help then you need Mort Fertel. He has a beautiful program to help you have a good marriage or fix a broken marriage. Even if there is only one of you trying to fix it.  He also has free information that can help.

Do you have emotional intelligence?

As women we seem to feel that the most important thing we can do is to get into a relationship.  Many, many, times we do this without any real thought. It’s more of an emotional experience.  I believe we need to have what I like to call emotional intelligence.

We cannot be objective when we are emotionally involved.  This is one of the things that I talk about when I teach young women how to marry the right man.  The first thing you need to do is know what you’re looking for in a man.  You have to know what you will and will not allow in your life.

That’s what it boils down to… choices and allowing.  What you will and will not allow to come into your life.   You have to do this before you get into a  relationship so that when someone comes along you can look at him objectively.

What am I looking for in a man?  (Not what you are willing to settle for.)

I’m looking for someone who treats me well and treats me with respect.

I’m looking for someone with a good sense of humor.

I’m looking for someone with goals and objectives.

I’m looking for someone that will be a loving partner.

I am looking for someone that is even-tempered.

I am looking for someone who will be a good father to our future children.*

*This is something that not too many women think about when they go into a relationship.  But if you’re looking at someone with relationship potential you have to know; if you want children; if they want children and whether they would be a good parent. Find out if they’re going to be a good parent before you have children!

Notice I didn’t put anything in here about how he looks.  I figure you can take care of that yourself.  Looks have very little to do with a successful relationship. We will go into this more at a later date.

Now that you have this list of criteria when a guy comes along and treats you disrespectfully you can say to yourself,  “I said I was not going to get into a relationship with someone who doesn’t treat me well” and you know to end it there before you get in too deep.  We need to be emotionally intelligent.  We have to look at the situation not through our emotions but through rational thought.

You don’t know how many times I have heard “but I love him.”  You can love someone that you can’t have a successful relationship with and you have to be able to recognize and know, for your own best interest, that  you have to get out of it.

You must be emotionally intelligent enough to know when something is bad for you and get out of the situation.

But first you have to know what you will and will not allow into your life. Make a list.

Have you ever been in a relationship that, looking back, you should have known he wasn’t the right one for you? That if you had been looking you would have seen that something was wrong? That if you had taken the emotion out of it and just used your head you would have known it wasn’t right?

Write me back and let me know your story.

Why? Why do we stay in situations like this?

So this is what I am talking about…love making fools of women.  This was in the comments on a blog that asked you what your worst relationship was.

Where to start! I dated a guy who was a bi-polar alcoholic with drug problem and anger issues. He was on probation through the duration of our relationship, about a year, and was arrested 3 times, twice because I called the cops on him. He lived in a trailer park with his mother and only worked for about one month the whole time I was with him. He forced cocaine on me and got me hooked. Almost got me fired for his bizarre behavior. He stole my car twice. He borrowed about $5000.00 in total which I will never see again. Oh and he beat me on a semi-regular basis. Our relationship ended when he held me hostage for 2 hours. And he cost me many many hours of therapy since . Why oh why did I think I could help him!

The last line says it all “Why oh why did I think I could help him!” All too often we stay in situations hoping it will get better. As women we always want to help, it’s our nature to nurture. Knowing this we have to be a little more careful of who and what we try to nurture. It’s in our genetic makeup to love and want a family. We just have to be more selective about who we do it with.

We would all be better off not “falling in love” so quickly and really looking at the situation for what it is,  instead of what we think it could be.  Don’t be a fool for love! What do you think? Have you ever done things for love that you shouldn’t have? Did you stay in a relationship that was full of red flags, hoping it would get better? I know I have and I consider myself to be an intelligent woman!